10. Introduce yourself to an elementary school class.
9. Refer to disciplining your child as “spanking my little Weiner.”
8. Agree to be John Boehner’s running mate.
7. Become a partner in a law firm with Small, Johnson and Wang.
6. Use your name in vein.
5. Perform magic at your high school talent show as “The Amazing, Astounding, Magnificent Weiner.”
4. Open a tattoo/piercing or massage/waxing business named after yourself.
3. Co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank.
2. “This is America. If Disney can have a theme park, I can have a theme park.”
and The Number 1 Thing You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner…
1. Behave like one.
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